For Me It's Not About the Numbers!

All my life I've been told that being a "normal" or "a healthy size" was a number. At that point I felt a number on a scale and number in my pants that defined my image, the image that I not only owned but projected to the world. I would see myself in the mirror and immediately see my flaws, the things that set me aside from being normal... in the weight department I would have been thrilled to be considered average. Because of this stigma I bought in to the hype that I was fat. I had zero self confidence and wore the label of unworthy across my forehead every day.

Since I felt ugly I acted ugly. I was needy, shy and depressed on a daily basis. This made me the friend in all relationship situations. I had desperate crushes on several boys throughout the years and for some reason every one of them found me in the "friend zone". I always knew the reason was that I was fat, but I hoped to find one guy that could see pass the bulge and accept me for me. When I was rejected I chalked it up to them being shallow. It was always everyone else that put me in a category. There was nothing that I could do to change that, until...

In 92 I lost 60 lbs over a summer and changed my entire look! I was 125 lbs and a size 8! To this day, this is my peak... my all time best as far as those damn numbers go. I gained confidence in my new body as my classmates began to take notice of my transformation. I couldn't wait to show myself to my friends and especially my crushes! The response from everyone was great and it built my staggering confidence with a superficial shield, but unfortunately the boys never saw me in a different light. I was so confused; I didn't understand what it was about me that wasn't attractive.
As the years passed the numbers got bigger... slowly at first and by the time I was 22 I hit 200 lbs. I knew I had gained the weight but I didn't really see the change in my body. I had never had a flat tummy or thin physique so the chub just looked like it belonged there. To tell you the honest truth, lol I don't think I ever really tried to look at my body in the mirror. I didn't know what I looked like under my clothes. I steered clear of mirrors that were full length and if I happened to run in to one I'd be sure to ignore whatever I saw I didn't like.
Right around this time I found Eric. Eric was a boy that gave me a chance. Eric treated me like I had always wanted to be treated. He WANTED me... and no matter anything else about him... this is what I longed for. Eric was my first kiss, the first guy I held hands with... my first REAL date! So needless to say I was in love and our courtship was short. We married in Vegas in one of those tacky little chapels September 23rd 2010 after almost a year of dating. And yes, on my wedding night he was my first of something else... hehe ;)
So add a super low self esteem, my Scorpio jealousy and some financial stress on that love and you get me 6 years later and over 60 lbs bigger. I was cranky, sad and without friends. I hid behind my duties of being a mother and rarely left the house. I got to the point where my social interactions with adults were rarely successful and usually embarrassing messes of diarrhea of the mouth. So, I turned to the place where I always comforted and accepted. The one thing in my life that never let me down and never said I wasn't good enough... FOOD!
 
I didn't cook, but I could reheat with the best of them. I ate fast/boxed food on regular basis, and so did my family. I finally hit a wall one day while arguing with my 3 year old to eat her chicken nuggets. It was time for a change... I needed to get some skills first but I had no idea where to turn. Then came Worst Cooks, and it cleared the cobwebs and dust from my ego and the seeds of sincere and humble confidence were planted. I was ready for success in whatever form that may be.
So if you're reading this, you know about my most recent success in the weight loss department... drum roll please... 52 lbs down and counting! This weight loss has come from hard work and mental stamina. It has NOT been easy, but it has been truly satisfying. You also should be aware of my intent and training for the ING NC Marathon! The marathon will be the next step in my build of confidence and my new healthy lifestyle change. I'm excited to get even more focused on nutrition and learning how my body works.

This is my thought on body/image/self acceptance now...
Today numbers are far less important to me than they once were. I use the scale to document my progress but it doesn’t rule my life. My pant size is the guide to purchasing clothes and although I like to see a number that is small enough to shop in any store I have learned to just deal with it... and I think that's a key.
As time has passed in my own relationship I have learned so much about love and people. The ingredient I had been missing in my youth was self love! When I walked in to a room back then, I'd almost have a panic attack. I was ashamed of who I was, even as the thinner me I still felt deep inside that I was the fugly girl. Who wants to be around a person that has that much baggage!? I also saw that there are PLENTY of plus size women out there that have found love. That was proof to me that my weight was not the problem.

There was also a time in my life that I would cringe at the thought of shopping in a Lane Bryant or when called "Plus Size". I didn't want to accept who I was. I realize now that I don't have to own any labels; I just have to own my authenticity. I'm not concerned with anything but getting to a place where I feel healthy. I want to be able to do any physical activity with ease. I want to be able to keep up with my kids. I want to make the healthy choice without thinking and be the best me that I can be.

Finally I'd just like to urge the "un-average" folks out there to accept who you are! You don't have to be loud and proud (and you can be if you want to) but get up in front of a mirror and look at what you're working with. See that body and if you want to change, change it... if you like it! Celebrate! Do it every day that you forget why you love who you are... or what you are working for. I'm not about pro plus or pro skinny; I'm about pro you, and whoever you want to be. I support you and your decision to love yourself. The more you accept you, the easier it gets to be happy in the skin you're in!